Lump n Bump

There was an emergency Target run this weekend. I had planned to go Sunday with Nick and George, but my instinct told me to go with my oldest friend. I texted her rapid fire, saying I wanted to be at Target in forty minutes. I got in her car thirty eight minutes later. Her exact words were:

We bought our feelings. Erin insists she was numb and wasn’t feeling anything at all, but it sure seemed to me that she was stress buying everything she touched.

I had a lot of feelings. Not expensive feelings. Well, some feelings manifested as an over-priced emotional-support water bottle, but most of the feelings came off of the clearance rack. Who doesn’t love a reward for looking for a good deal? I also had things I had been putting off buying and things I wanted to get me through Port Day. I needed snacks. And KT tape, and fiber supplements, and nail polish and lip stick and coffee. You know, the essentials.

There’s a lady on TikTok who mocks Rae Dunn products. She reads them with this hilarious raspy voice, it resembles Christian Bale’s portrayal of Batman. (@lelelime) We found ourselves in front of Rae Dunn products on the clearance rack, I pick them up at random and read the inscription in my deepest batman-voice.

My hand landed on this brown book I began reading before I saw the whole message.

“Best”

I think that this is going to be some inspirational nonsense on a journal.

“Year”

Oh, good god, its a planner, not a journal. I’m committed to this reading now.

“Ever”

I finish my impression and fall on my knees laughing in wheezes. Erin is stomping and laughing. I’m crying. The lady sharing the aisle with us is cracking up too.

The moment was funny enough for anyone nearby to have a laugh, even without my personal context. My already erratic emotions were fueled wilder because I made a stranger laugh in the middle of Marshall’s. But the moment was so perfect. How could I not embrace this moment?

I laughed so long that every big emotions had the opportunity to surface, and I stumbled to a corner of the store where I breathed and stared at scrub brushes until I could see straight.

God, that was funny.

Just imagine, your out with your oldest and best friend on a spontaneous shopping trip, high off of buying your first load, buzzing on some Starbucks, laughing at the biggest water bottles, giggling at cute booze-themed dog toys, I could almost forget the reason for my anxiety… and then this stupid planner interrupts my fun with the greatest irony. Irony because…

I do feel great. I have support and love and attention from everyone I’ve had close friendships with from years ago and I’m closer with my family than ever before. This moment is actually a personal highlight of the past two years of isolation, quarantine, and fear caused by the covid pandemic.

All it took for me to reach this moment was standing on the precipice of cancer treatment.

I bought the planner. It was only $4.50.

Later that evening

I had a call with my two best girls. We’re women now, who have been close and kind, and supportive, and wonderful friends to one another for about 12 years now. We videoed as Kat traveled home from a weekend of racing, and Court looked sad, while I painted my nails with my new purchases. I briefed them on this upcoming week, we discussed a red Lamborghini that I saw, and listened to the frustration and anger at the barriers to buying a house.

That’s how friendship should be. It’s not about me.

Court has been patiently battling the housing market for about a year, and Kat is exhausted from traveling with two kids almost every weekend this summer in between mystery daycare illnesses. And me. But we’re here for each other. Just because one of us has cancer, one of us is being held back, and one of us is overworked, it doesn’t mean that we can’t support one another through our struggles.

I hope no one hides bad news or their own difficulties from me just because they don’t want to add to my load.

Its actually just the opposite. It puts things into perspective for me. I get to remember past victories over my own similar experiences and I can remind myself that this too shall pass.

I’m a big girl, if its too much for me to take in at that time, I’ll tell you. I promise that we can talk about you later if now’s not god for me.

I may joke that I’m a delicate flower. Because I need water and sunshine and gentle encouragement to flourish. But that does not mean that I can’t share my happiness and love with anyone else who needs it for a little bit.

Be kind everyone.

I’ll let you know how Port Day goes.