Emotions loading…

We’re starting a week after my second trimester.

There’s a thing I’m working on with the help of my counselor: Jillian. (hi) I can say “should,” and I say it a lot. But what’s not ok, is that when I tell myself “I should do this,” I’m putting a lot of negative pressure on myself to do the thing. I’m working on reframing my thinking so that I’m less negative and more encouraging to myself.

I bring up this “should” business because I’ve been feeling like I should update my blog and write down the chemo treatment plan as I understand it while it is fresh in my mind. I usually change the words in my head to: ” I can update my blog when I am able.” But I can’t shake this “should” negativity for the past few days.

Maybe I just don’t want to.

I feel like I’m on a precipice, a cliff, and I’m standing here with the wind at my back pressing me towards the edge. I’m not afraid of heights, I’m not afraid of the wind, but this isn’t under my control. I’m resisting the inevitable forces, the progression of time. This plunge will change me. And I don’t really get a say in it.

That makes me sad. And frustrated. Not to mention fucking terrified.

I’ve been on the verge of feeling this all weekend. And I felt sad. And I couldn’t really tell why. I guess its because I had these feelings and I just didn’t turn them over in my head.

Emotions are like stones on a beach. Sometimes they’re right there in front of you, sometimes hidden under a passing wave, but until you pick up and examine the right one, you’ll go on wandering, wondering what it is you’re not experiencing.

I want to pick up my stones and look at them now. I want to stack them and balance them. My mother-in-law loves stacking stones (hi). They’re all over her home. And she is the emotional rock for everyone in her family. I’m reluctant to add to her balancing act, as I tend to like to make things difficult for myself, but maybe its time to go to the beach and stack some rocks with her. I bet she knows the perfect spot.

Huh. You know what? I processed that whole stone analogy crying, but not once did I say the “should” word in my head or on screen. And I feel better. Still sad. But less alone.

I want to write about my chemo treatment plan now.

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