I wish I could travel back in time and convince myself that I just don’t need to be so anxious.
Just like everyone else I meet, though, I doubt I’d believe the comfort of my future self.
I had a panic attack on Saturday night. I visualized myself at Roswell losing control with fear, running from the nurses and barricading myself in a room and screaming through the door. I relived the panic about the port placement. I was stuck remembering it. But why? Maybe I was scared that the port was placed incorrectly because I struggled to get through the procedure, and that would transpire today, and they’d have to redo it. Or maybe I panicked because that was a terrible experience, and I was certain that the chemo infusion would be just as bad.
But it wasn’t. I wanted to expect that I’d feel the cold medicines on the way in. But I didn’t. I expected to feel rushing fluid in my body. But I didn’t. I expected to feel sick. But I didn’t. I expected to nap. But I didn’t.
I’m antsy to get up and go about my day. That’s the steroids talking, though. I’m feeling better from my cold because they hydrated me, my sinuses drained. I’m sore from sitting so long. I’m tired from not sleeping well. But so far so good.
I was just so afraid of the anticipation.
the difference between expectation and reality is really wild.
900 Bagel Jay’s
945 check in.
1010 meet Holly. Port accessed, pain free.
1045 good blood counts. Start IV hydration.
153 finish prep
155 start chemotherapy
315 we’re done. We’re in the car.
316 reschedule family therapy in favor of grilled cheese and tomato soup
I met with my counselor for an hour. Reviewed the panic attack. Recapped the day. Congratulated my bravery. And wound down with stories of midnight snacks.
Then I ate again. Dinner was pasta and red sauce and a medley of sauteed greens. Thank you family for feeding me and baby bump and George too.
I’m tired. Not fatigue from chemo, more tired from a big emotionally tiring day (weekend, month, actually two months) after a poor night’s sleep filled with worry.
My back is stiff. I was sneezing so hard yesterday that my ribs are sore today. But no cold any more. Not stuffy. No sinus pressure. We can thank steroids and IV hydration for that cure!
My mouth is dry. That’s to be expected. Water and biotiene for that.
I would like to be in bed by 730 tonight. I think I can manage it. Let’s see how tomorrow goes.
Someone’s good luck wishes came true, and many prayers for answered today. Thanks.
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