August 4

I don’t feel very good. Not at all. They say hydrating will help, but increasing that seems impossible. I’m already peeing 5 times a day more than usual. So we’re going to try IV fluids at home. Soon hopefully.

I have a headache all the time, and I can’t see straight when I hold up my head. It’s similar to a migraine that I’ve had before, but it’s as if I was having a whole body migraine.

I feel confused and foggy. I have a real hard time recognizing when I feel hunger or thirst or full bladder and then deciding what to do about it. Usually those are taken care of instinctually, but now it feels like all the sensations are moving in slow motion and it’s hard to get the message through to my brain. And that’s exhausting.

On top of it all, George is not well. He’s getting over a cold and fighting diaper rash. Everything we do to him makes him scream and wail. Pick him up for his high chair, scream. Diaper change, scream. Put on a shirt, scream. Go for a butt soak, scream. On and on.

Nick is struggling. George is struggling. I am struggling. Somebody help us, but I don’t know what help we need most.

I mean, what did I expect? Honestly, I didn’t expect this. I thought I could be as strong as the people who’ve also gone through chemo. I talked to a few, got more words of encouragement that it’s not so bad from even more people. And I was encouraged by how bravely I managed the infusions; encouraged by how smoothly that went. And this reality is different than what I prepared for.

I’m worried about work. I’m worried about bills. I’m worried about George. I’m worried for Nick. I’m also just so tired. I also really hate how dramatic this sounds. But it’s not for you, this is me helping me.

One response to “August 4”

  1. Sending so many hugs and prayers. You may not feel it now, but we admire your amazing strength. I can only hope that you feel better with time. Just know that we love you so so so much.


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