I’m sad today

There’s no particular reason to be sad.

Except that my heart is currently attached to a plastic bag of saline.

No particular reason.

Except my pregnant belly contrasts vastly with my bald head.

No reason.

Except I can expect 15 more weeks of chemo, ideally.

Just a little sad before my thirty second birthday.

Which I’m celebrating because the last two years it hasn’t been responsible or fitting. 2020 the world ended, I was pregnant, and so congregations were not safe. 2021 I had an infant and and overwhelming fulltime workload so I didn’t feel like celebrating me. This year seemed fit to break the pattern, even if it is a little irresponsible, even if the past 3 months has been more taxing, more trying, more frightening, more sad than either the past two years.

But this year has also brought me more support, more love, more growth, more confidence, more compassion. And the weather is nice this weekend, and we’ll stay outdoors where no one is breathing on me in closed quarters. And there’s another week before the next chemo. And I’ll likely get another boost of Neupogen on Tuesday.

It’s still ok to be sad today.

Grumpy Monkey by Suzanne Lang

There’s a book that George loves. “Grumpy Monkey” by Suzanne Lang. “It’s a wonderful day to be grumpy,” is the moral of the story for Jim Panzee after Jim and Norman meet several locals who encourage Jim to enjoy this wonderful day with lots of different fun activities. Jim doesn’t feel like doing any of that.

I’ve reworded the children’s book in my head for my own validation: “it’s a wonderful day to be sad.” The protagonist would be an artic animal, or an aquatic animal. “Sad Ptarmigan” or “Sad Narwhal” or something. I’d buy it. Teach kids its okay to validate sadness and other emotions. There could be a silly penguin version, and the penguin learns to be patient with other animals that aren’t feeling silly. Anyway. George loves Grumpy Monkey. Its significantly longer than most of his other stories, and he sits in my lap intently listening from cover to cover.

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