I find myself obsessing over stories of young people who die from cancer. What did they do, that I can do differently to survive? How were they diagnosed? Was it early or too late? Do I have a better chance of survival because we caught it early?

Do I have a better chance of survival because I have exceptional care since I’m pregnant? Is my unborn daughter helping support my fight with stem cells? Are the prayers and support just more effective for me? Why do so many people survive their loved ones?

Why do some people have to die.

As I write I have nervous anxious energy jittering my feet. I can’t sit still but I can hold back tears. I bet if I remembered the grounding strategies I could calm down. But I’m not ready yet.

You hear people say that life’s not fair, (and while that’s very true for so many socioeconomic reasons), it seems like another accurate sentiment which I don’t ever hear is that death’s not fair.

It’s not fair that the people you love will vanish someday. It’s not fair that some people have so long with loved ones, and some have so little time. It’s not fair that stories of death will unbalance you while you scroll Facebook on your lunch break.

Anyway. This little bit of depression was brought to you by the passing of Robbie Coltrane, aged 72, and Corey Phelan, who died at 20 from cancer. Go do something kind for yourself if you’re crying too. A nice snack. Or some sunshine. Or ask for a hug. I’m going to do some grounding:

List 4 things you can see. 3 things you can hear. 2 things you can feel. 1 things you can smell. Body Armor drink, Neon lights,  Customers, Table. Chatter, vent hood, clatter of trays. Sunshine, back pain. Ketchup.

So I watched Thor Love and Thunder today. It’s like I’m asking to wallow in feelings. But the biggest take-away I have to focus on presently, is:

If you’re going to obsess about consequences of cancer, at least do it to a strong soundtrack.

One response to “Unfair”

  1. Laptop, Desk lamp, Cables, small box of stuff, the laptop fan, the TV in the background, the refrigerator, cool air, clammy pants, York peppermint patty.


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