I had a laughing fit today; it was so sudden that I almost threw up and peed my pants with the force of my whole-body spasm. But I’m six months pregnant, so it doesn’t take much for me to almost pee my pants.

Does anyone use google calendar? When you put in “anniversary” or “birthday” in google will put in a generic stock photo of a cake or champagne or something similar. I’ve noticed barbells when you put working out or gym on the calendar, too. Not every type of event gets a little stock photo clipart, but its cute when it shows up.

Not today though. Google’s AI has a dark sense of humor, which I appreciate!

I had added to my calendar: “chemo new cocktail – weekly now” weeks ago, and for the first time I opened up my calendar in the schedule view instead of the weekly view to see that Google chose to use a stock photo of a little martini and rocks glass! So google is under the impression that from 7 AM to 3:30 PM I am getting lit. Weekly. Monday morning. For 8 hours. It sent me.

It is the most genuine ironic laugh I’ve had in a solid six months. Dark humor. I’ve laughed and found humor other places, but today it hit differently. I laughed until I was about to pee my pants (which doesn’t take much being six months pregnant). So I continued my laugh in the bathroom. And the laughter continued until I was crying out all sorts of emotion. Tears of hilarity, tears of pain, of loss, of sadness. On the first day I used non-waterproof mascara, no less.

Apart from not having cancer and not being so pregnant right now, the very thing I would love the most right now is a full pour of buttery chardonnay. A tart cosmopolitan with Titos. A fish bowl-sized salted margarita. A frosty hefeweizen. A seasonal hard cider. A whiskey sour, or just one finger of Johnny Walker. Delicious treats that make me chatty and silly and care-free for a few hours. And to do it with friends! All of these favorite drinks are tied specific happy memories that I enjoy reliving, and hope to create more happy memories.

George takes so much energy. He is so silly and cheerful and funny, it would be rewarding and hilarious to sit back with a drink or two after he’s gone to bed, and relive all of his antics through the silly lens of my own intoxication.

Instead I’m sober. I am so so sober. I am firmly aware of my corporeal existence in every moment. It would just be so so nice to let go of my emotions, of my worries, of my to-do list. To abandon the control that I now cling to just to stay alive.


I got a good laugh today because google missed the mark. It would not be appropriate for me to dress as a cocktail for Halloween since I spend 6 hours (pregnant) at Roswell on October 31st. But I thought about it. The Roswell nurses would have to go along and dress up as cocktail waitresses.

2 responses to “Cocktails”

  1. I wish I could have a “cocktail ” with you. Or at least reach over and “hug” you. I have learned so much. You are so brave and showing George that everyday. I love you even thou I only know you through your parents.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would love to have a non-alcoholic cocktail with you!


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